Some things you have to learn to love

I used to avoid reading through school and university essays before I handed them in. I’d worked hard on them and writing the final paragraph meant I could get on with something else. I also found it painful to read back through my own words – a bit like hearing my voice on a tape recorder. The experience of being a teacher changed that. I learnt the frustration of reading a badly proof-read essay. Spelling mistakes, missed words and awkward grammar are very distracting. I also learnt how simple it could be to improve the clarity of the ideas being expressed.

Last year, when studying for my Masters, I found that I was much more willing to see my first attempt as a draft. With my writing this has become an absolute necessity.

At the moment I am proof-reading A Good Death, having finished the re-writes. I find something to change on almost every page: typos, missed words, awkward phrasing that I don’t like any more, details that have become inaccurate as I’ve changed other parts of the manuscript. It can be an excruciating process, particularly when it comes to transferring the changes from paper to my laptop. However, I’ve also come to appreciate the opportunity to read through the whole manuscript and get a wider view. There is also less creative pressure when I’m working on text I’m otherwise basically happy with.

Coming to enjoy the different stages of pregnancy has been similarly challenging. As I’ve moved through the trimesters each has had its challenges. In the first, I felt almost constantly unwell and couldn’t tell anyone why. But I was very excited about being pregnant and it was a happy secret between me and David. In the second, there was little evidence of actually being pregnant and it felt very unreal, but I was beginning to feel better and we discovered that we were having a girl. Now, on the edge of the third trimester, I am beginning to feel sick again, I am very tired and I’m making the classic ‘oof’ noise when I try to get out of bed, or a car, or off the sofa. The next twelve to fourteen weeks stretch out endlessly ahead. However, it’s wonderful to feel our daughter wriggling around and to be getting her room ready.

I’d love to be at the stage of holding my completed book or baby in my hands, but can’t accelerate the process, I just have to learn to love the stage I’m at.

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